I Got Gravel in my Ear...
A fellow improviser and writing partner celebrated her 30th birthday by throwing herself a party at the nightclub she bartends at. It was a 4-hour party with a complete open bar. Gotta love a bar that serves my favorite drinks...free ones. I had a late show the night before so I woke up pretty late in the afternoon. On the way to the party I grabbed a slice of pizza as I hadn't eaten anything all day. When I got to the club in Chelsea (NYC) I told the doorman I was there for Betsy's party. He slapped a wristband on me and directed me to the elevators to take me up to the club. When I got there, the place was pretty empty so I ordered a beer ($8 bucks. I assumed the open bar hadn't started) and took a seat. After I finished and still hadn't seen anyone I know or Betsy I asked one of the bartenders if he saw Betsy, the one who worked there yet. He said there was no Betsy that worked there. Then I realized I was in the wrong club. So I took the elevator out and noticed there were 4 other clubs on the street.
Finally I found the right one. As soon as I walked in I saw Betsy. She asked me why I was late and directed me to the bar to "catch up". For the next 4 hours I proceed to suck down glass after glass of Johnny Walker Black scotch. I drank the equivalent of a bottle. It was an awesome night. Partying with fellow improvisers is great. If you’re not laughing hysterically, you're drinking and/or puffing. After the party ended, we all went to the local bar near the theater. That's where it went a little blurry. I remember falling a lot in the bar. At one point, as I was walking out of the bathroom, someone opened the door just as I wash pushing it open and flew across the bar and landed head first on the bar. I crashed into a popular actor on Saturday Night Live who hangs out in the bar a lot. Three guys picked me up and sat me down on a stool which I immediately fell off of. Then I went in the back of the bar and went to sit in a booth with some friends. I missed the bench and fell right on my ass. As I was picking myself up by the pants leg of my friend, I pulled him down off the bench. Then about 10 fellow improvisers, all trashed themselves, piled on top of us. So what do you do when you're that wasted? You order a round of shots of course. At about 4AM, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I had trouble making contact with the cigarette to my lips, I realized I needed to call it a night. I decided to walk a few blocks to the subway. That's where I ran into trouble. I was so fucked up, I couldn't even walk. I would take one step and fall diagonally onto the sidewalk. I repeated that several times until I finally realized there was no way I was making it to the subway and took a cab home.
When I woke up the next morning, my bed looked like a crime scene or the opening scene from CSI, blood everywhere. Seems like I hurt myself pretty bad on one or all of the falls I took trying to walk to the subway. I probably landed on my chin because it was cut up. I must have landed on my knee at least once because the pants I was wearing had a huge hole in the knee and my knee was pretty cut up too. And I must have landed on the side of my head and dragged my ear because the back of my ear was pretty cut up. In fact, after taking a shower and using a Q-Tip, there was actually gravel in my ear. I was pretty bad and hurting but I managed to make to improv practice. When I got to the studio, a lot of the people who were in the lobby were at the party and/or bar afterwards. When I walked out of the elevator, they all just looked at me, shaking their heads and laughing. I was informed by my friends of some of the things I didn't quite remember from the night such as:
Fake wrestling in the middle of the bar with several patrons
Reciting the "Jew Hands" soliloquy from Merchant of Venice (that I had just memorized for an audition
Offering to sign some lady's boobs because my signature was gonna worth a lot of money someday.
Buying a lesbian couple a round of drinks because I thought they were "adorable" then asking if they wanted to 3 way.
When I told my friend, I was glad I didn't have any drinks in the bar after the party, he said, "Dude, you had 7 glasses of scotch"
Another friend told me he had to hold me up in the bathroom while I peed.
Finally I found the right one. As soon as I walked in I saw Betsy. She asked me why I was late and directed me to the bar to "catch up". For the next 4 hours I proceed to suck down glass after glass of Johnny Walker Black scotch. I drank the equivalent of a bottle. It was an awesome night. Partying with fellow improvisers is great. If you’re not laughing hysterically, you're drinking and/or puffing. After the party ended, we all went to the local bar near the theater. That's where it went a little blurry. I remember falling a lot in the bar. At one point, as I was walking out of the bathroom, someone opened the door just as I wash pushing it open and flew across the bar and landed head first on the bar. I crashed into a popular actor on Saturday Night Live who hangs out in the bar a lot. Three guys picked me up and sat me down on a stool which I immediately fell off of. Then I went in the back of the bar and went to sit in a booth with some friends. I missed the bench and fell right on my ass. As I was picking myself up by the pants leg of my friend, I pulled him down off the bench. Then about 10 fellow improvisers, all trashed themselves, piled on top of us. So what do you do when you're that wasted? You order a round of shots of course. At about 4AM, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I had trouble making contact with the cigarette to my lips, I realized I needed to call it a night. I decided to walk a few blocks to the subway. That's where I ran into trouble. I was so fucked up, I couldn't even walk. I would take one step and fall diagonally onto the sidewalk. I repeated that several times until I finally realized there was no way I was making it to the subway and took a cab home.
When I woke up the next morning, my bed looked like a crime scene or the opening scene from CSI, blood everywhere. Seems like I hurt myself pretty bad on one or all of the falls I took trying to walk to the subway. I probably landed on my chin because it was cut up. I must have landed on my knee at least once because the pants I was wearing had a huge hole in the knee and my knee was pretty cut up too. And I must have landed on the side of my head and dragged my ear because the back of my ear was pretty cut up. In fact, after taking a shower and using a Q-Tip, there was actually gravel in my ear. I was pretty bad and hurting but I managed to make to improv practice. When I got to the studio, a lot of the people who were in the lobby were at the party and/or bar afterwards. When I walked out of the elevator, they all just looked at me, shaking their heads and laughing. I was informed by my friends of some of the things I didn't quite remember from the night such as:
Fake wrestling in the middle of the bar with several patrons
Reciting the "Jew Hands" soliloquy from Merchant of Venice (that I had just memorized for an audition
Offering to sign some lady's boobs because my signature was gonna worth a lot of money someday.
Buying a lesbian couple a round of drinks because I thought they were "adorable" then asking if they wanted to 3 way.
When I told my friend, I was glad I didn't have any drinks in the bar after the party, he said, "Dude, you had 7 glasses of scotch"
Another friend told me he had to hold me up in the bathroom while I peed.
posted by xxoozero at 9:48 PM
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