The Prerequisite “Balls on my Face” Story

The last week of the summer holidays was my Canadian friends last week here (UK) before he moved back to Canada. We wanted to have a pretty decent going away piss up. I forget exactly how much alcohol we had but I think it was a lot. There were only about 6 of us there, just people that had known him well. We started drinking at about 7 or 8 I guess. One of the last things I remembered was playing this game that my friend explained to me in a slurred way.

There was what must have been a quart of whisky in front of me and my friend managed to tell me the very stupid sentence I had to repeat after about 4 tries, something like seven silly sailors sing six stupid songs. If I could say the sentence correctly I would only have to take a sip, incorrect repetition of the sentence would result in having to down the glass (I would normally object to a game this idiotic but I was pretty drunk already.).

Several hours later I woke to a fucking Labrador licking my face; my friend’s mother makes some apology about the dog from the kitchen door and calls it away. I look around and I'm lying on the living room floor with a sleeping bag someone had half-arsedly thrown over me. I stand up after about 2 tries and notice that someone has drawn BALLS on my face in my reflection in a picture. I stagger to the bathroom and wash off the permanent marker with the remains of a bottle of vodka I find. Unfortunately it does nothing for my hang over.

I walk into another room and everyone is watching TV, I sit down and listen to various accounts of my activities the night before, someone tells me I fell in a bush so I check my back and find loads of gashes there. I also apparently spent a whole hour trying to tell everyone a fact that aboriginal Australians have exceptional hearing and vision because they allow flies to eat the stuff that clogs them up (perhaps someone can tell me if this is true or not?) I then get told how I crawled into the bathroom on all fours, was heartily sick, crawled back into the living room and passed out. Apparently this pissed off the girl whose house this was at because she had just made the sofa ready for me to sleep on. Because of this she drew balls on my face. Then one of my other friends comes down the stairs and proceeds to rub an entire tube of toothpaste into my face.

In my hung-over state this is a bit much. I fail to punch the guy in the nuts then go to the bathroom and rub the toothpaste off my face and out of my ears (that shit burns). Apparently I had drawn a cock on the guy’s neck the night before and it had caused a rash (in the shape of a cock). He did apologize for over-reacting and gave me a ride home. I completely forgot to say goodbye to my Canadian friend properly. Probably the drunk I've ever been. Apart from that one time...